Monday, Feb. 21, 2005

11:32 p.m.

I've been pissed the whole day. Yes, I have been and my frustrations and irritation simmers like a pot of boiling water waiting to just burst and scald with words of meanness and condesence.

If you much know why, I am tired of being disturbed in my moment of peace, rest and relaxation by my roommate and I need to get away. I have successfully escaped to Oklahoma City for a quick getaway this past weekend. The weekend was well deserved and I felt rejuvenated. However, as soon as I stepped into my room that I share with another individual, my freedom is restricted and my privacy is threatened. As the noise cuts through the soft fabric of silence, my hands and feet are bounded by the dissonance around me to strike an unsoundly chord within me.

Do I hate my roommate? No, I don't. Do I despise what is happening to me? You bet! I hate the situation I am in and I am always asking to be delivered from this uncomfortable situation. My freedom and  privacy, not to mention my comfort zone, has been breached. My life is subjected to judgement. I've to face judgement, ridicule and many forms of psychological persecution...however, I am gladden by the fact that I am graduating and that I will never have to face another person in my own private space that I hold so dear to me.

My space is my own. No one had the right to take that from me. My privacy is my own and no one has the right to take that from me. My feelings, thoughts and emotions are my own, no one has the right to take that from me. My body and voice and all that I am are my own. No one owns them, just as I don't own or owe anyone. I hate it when someone whom hardly knows me claims to know me better than I know me. I hate it when someone claims to know everything about me when they are not of relation to me. My roommate claims to know me better than I know me. He claims to read me as well as a book.

If I am a book, then I guess even you know me. Yet, as much as I write about what I go through and my feelings and emotions. I am still not someone fully portrayed to you. So how can you know me? How can he know me if I don't fully portray myself to him? Oh just save me and take from this prison that separates me from the sanity of the world outside. Save me from this ill place that spawn noises that pierces the ears. Save me...will you please?

Monday, Feb. 21, 2005

3:04 p.m.

 Watched "Shall We Dance?"

I like to dance. No, let me correct that, I love to dance. Dancing, to me, is a way to shake the stress out and to just lose myself in a world that I can express myself in a different language. If you refer to the art of communication, then dancing is a form of silent communication that evokes emotions from the dancer.

However, my university sees dancing as evil and although it is not found in the student handbook, dancing is not allowed on campus.  Sad to say, that means there is no free expression of dance unless it is allowed by the school like in a school play or by the dance team or cheerleading team. No spontaneous dancing or just the dance of joy that the day is over. No simple two step or disco dancing or even the traditional waltzing allowed. The only form of dancing is to stand still, sawy your hips to rhythmor tap your foot to the music. That is it! Is dancing that bad? Is it a sin? Is it something that is abominable that needs to be denied or destroyed because it is wrong?

Since the time before television was invented, dancing was and still is a form of entertainment. It may be one of the oldest form of entertainment since music was created. Ok, I can understand if my university sees the hip-grinding, booty shaking, body swaying and skin touching kinda dance to be sinful and misleading but what about pure, clean, simple and beautifully choreographed ballroom dancing like the waltz, rumba, salsa, two step and so on? I am sure the polka is not something that is conceived out of hell.  I watched the ballroom dancing competition once on cable and was amazed at the things people can do on the dance floor. The intensity of the dance evoked a longing within me to be part of the art the dancing couple were making.

Dancing allows me to be free. Dancing frees up something in me to make want to move my feet gracefully and also let me a work of art. When I dance, I am lost in my own world and for that moment in time, the world and what other people think...not to mention the horrible judgement people so kindly bestow on me are all meaningless. All there is to it is just me and my dancing. Whenever I am happy, upset, stress, angry or just bummed out, I like to dance. I hope you choose to do that too. I hope you dance...and with that said, "Shall We Dance?"

Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005

1:10 am.

 Listening to Wang Yun Chan's Xu Yao (Needs) and enjoying my honey tea.

Needs, everyone has them. Needs, they are what drives humans to behave in a certain way or to accomplish certain things. Needs are us wanting something so badly because we have an innate desire to get the things we want.

As I thought about it, I found that it was funny how humanity has endless needs, thus contributing to the problem of scarcity. The problem of scarcity has existed since the dawn of time and it is not going to just disappear overnight like a bad dream. In fact, due to the unsatifying needs of mankind, the problem of scarcity has produced other problems like opportunity costs and a constant balancing of demand and supply. As a result, the discipline of economics is conceived and taught to man so that he/she can understand the principles.

As for me, I have my personal needs. My need to laugh, to cry, to love, to be loved, to have friends, to be alone, to be smart, to be rich and so on. There is no end to my needs. It just gets more and more. However, in this moment in time and my life, I do need to love and be loved. It is time to find love and be in love. Yet, with the many break-ups and divorces happening to friends around me made me think twice. Should I follow in their footsteps of love, only to break up and get hurt later? Should I trust in my instincts and learn from what I have failed? Can my heart take that heartache again?

My friend, Janie, fell in love with a boy and they have been chatting for a while. They grew fond of each other and hung out many times. They spent many dates together. He even kissed her and held her close. However, one day, he just stopped doing all those, he ceased showing her all affections. When confronted, he simply said, "I thought you didn't need them anymore." That hurt Janie real deep. She was astounded to hear his reply. He thought she didn't need them anymore? From my own opinion, this guy didn't ask Janie what she wanted or needed. I guess the cardinal rule was to play it off like you don't need the guy so that he can want you to need him. I believe that was what Janie was doing. I believe she was taking it slow. Yet, he wanted to rush into things.

Janie just wanted him to like her but he couldn't wait just a little longer and as a result, Janie lost a person she could depend on. He simply claimed that she didn't need affection anymore, if he didn't ask her, how would he know? Janie had no idea that when love changes heart, it leaves a small but deep cut that takes a while to heal.

Needs, be it purely economical or something emotional, requires humans to acknowledge its existence. It goes hand in hand with Love. However, Love is a tricky game to play and it has taken many a lifetime to be masters at its game. Someday Janie will understand the rules of Love. Someday, when I have the courage to acknowledge my needs, I will also learn to love in the game called Love as well.